Presented with limited commercial interruption by:
Just a collection of quotes I’ve stashed away that I enjoy.
Jump to: Television
Jump to: Life in Pieces
Life in Pieces
- Dress me like a salad, beat me like an egg.
- You know what really helps me sleep? Being 70.
- The cruise ship that doesn’t go anywhere.
- 🐎 it looks like a child in an animal suit.
- I can’t lose my sense of smell. That’s what separates us from the animals.
- You know I love a scorched duck.
- No jeans, no tank tops, no baseball caps. I’m like a Puerto Rican nightclub.
- Never dated a man I couldn’t share a belt with.
- You haven’t met The Steamer.
- Look what the cat trouser dragged back in.
- What is that music? Are we listening to the funeral home station?
- It feels a bit like I’m shopping for curtains at an outdoor mall.
- I’m a child of divorce. This is why I lick doorknobs.
- I took a pre-dinner Imodium, let’s do this.
- I’m sucking out these donut guts and putting them back in.
- They called me the tacklebox because I could take you down with my tackle or take you down with my box.
- I generally prefer a plate to a human hand.
- Apparently you’re not supposed to drink fruit punch after midnight, or as an adult.
- Get 3 pounds of beef in you and before you know it you’ll be counting sheep.
- You look like a last pick in a game draft.
- Mexico’s doing a lot of good things for medicine.
- The eyes have no effect on the color. They just boil away.
- We love animals, all pets, really. I guess you could call us pet-o-philes.
- Are there mules in it? Because they could die.
- I’ve never had a sexual encounter that wasn’t rage-fueled.
- She’ll do. I’m looking for a job not a career.
- I thought I’d have this huge rush of confidence like when you do an EpiPen for fun.
- She’s been sweet her whole life so her personality can have a cheat day.
- Are you really an ordained Mexican?
- Triple Dragon has the best dumps in town.
- Anything we have is stronger than the skin covering my penis.
- Marriage is like a nascar race: it just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and in the end there’s only one winner.
- It might be meat-related; you might be over-sausaging.
- I’m getting scissored by my sister and I’m still getting mom a gift?
- Cool, a combover! I feel like I’m 18, again.
- What’s the point of 8 nipples if you can’t use them?
- You know how I feel about peeing on something with a name.
- Don’t make this weird, just read ESPN.
- Everything about me is diner quality.
- I want to learn that from the garbage I surf, not from some book.
- I was so eager to taste the soup I got crabs from a fisherman in Maryland.
- Sure she’s past her prime but you can still sink your balls in her.