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Just a collection of quotes I’ve stashed away that I enjoy.

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Jump to: Life in Pieces

Life in Pieces

  • Dress me like a salad, beat me like an egg.
  • You know what really helps me sleep? Being 70.
  • The cruise ship that doesn’t go anywhere.
  • 🐎 it looks like a child in an animal suit.
  • I can’t lose my sense of smell. That’s what separates us from the animals.
  • You know I love a scorched duck.
  • No jeans, no tank tops, no baseball caps. I’m like a Puerto Rican nightclub.
  • Never dated a man I couldn’t share a belt with.
  • You haven’t met The Steamer.
  • Look what the cat trouser dragged back in.
  • What is that music? Are we listening to the funeral home station?
  • It feels a bit like I’m shopping for curtains at an outdoor mall.
  • I’m a child of divorce. This is why I lick doorknobs.
  • I took a pre-dinner Imodium, let’s do this.
  • I’m sucking out these donut guts and putting them back in.
  • They called me the tacklebox because I could take you down with my tackle or take you down with my box.
  • I generally prefer a plate to a human hand.
  • Apparently you’re not supposed to drink fruit punch after midnight, or as an adult.
  • Get 3 pounds of beef in you and before you know it you’ll be counting sheep.
  • You look like a last pick in a game draft.
  • Mexico’s doing a lot of good things for medicine.
  • The eyes have no effect on the color. They just boil away.
  • We love animals, all pets, really. I guess you could call us pet-o-philes.
  • Are there mules in it? Because they could die.
  • I’ve never had a sexual encounter that wasn’t rage-fueled.
  • She’ll do. I’m looking for a job not a career.
  • I thought I’d have this huge rush of confidence like when you do an EpiPen for fun.
  • She’s been sweet her whole life so her personality can have a cheat day.
  • Are you really an ordained Mexican?
  • Triple Dragon has the best dumps in town.
  • Anything we have is stronger than the skin covering my penis.
  • Marriage is like a nascar race: it just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and in the end there’s only one winner.
  • It might be meat-related; you might be over-sausaging.
  • I’m getting scissored by my sister and I’m still getting mom a gift?
  • Cool, a combover! I feel like I’m 18, again.
  • What’s the point of 8 nipples if you can’t use them?
  • You know how I feel about peeing on something with a name.
  • Don’t make this weird, just read ESPN.
  • Everything about me is diner quality.
  • I want to learn that from the garbage I surf, not from some book.
  • I was so eager to taste the soup I got crabs from a fisherman in Maryland.
  • Sure she’s past her prime but you can still sink your balls in her.