Quotes

Just a collection of quotes I’ve stashed away that I enjoy.

Jump to: Television

Television

Jump to: Life in Pieces

Life in Pieces

• Dress me like a salad, beat me like an egg.
• You know what really helps me sleep? Being 70.
• The cruise ship that doesn't go anywhere.
• 🐎 it looks like a child in an animal suit.
• I can't lose my sense of smell. That's what separates us from the animals.
• You know I love a scorched duck.
• No jeans, no tank tops, no baseball caps. I'm like a Puerto Rican nightclub.
• Never dated a man I couldn't share a belt with.
• You haven't met The Steamer.
• Look what the cat trouser dragged back in.
• What is that music? Are we listening to the funeral home station?
• It feels a bit like I'm shopping for curtains at an outdoor mall.
• I'm a child of divorce. This is why I lick doorknobs.
• I took a pre-dinner Imodium, let's do this.
• I'm sucking out these donut guts and putting them back in.
• They called me the tacklebox because I could take you down with my tackle or take you down with my box.
• I generally prefer a plate to a human hand.
• Apparently you're not supposed to drink fruit punch after midnight, or as an adult.
• Get 3 pounds of beef in you and before you know it you'll be counting sheep.
• You look like a last pick in a game draft.
• Mexico's doing a lot of good things for medicine.
• The eyes have no effect on the color. They just boil away.
• We love animals, all pets, really. I guess you could call us pet-o-philes.
• Are there mules in it? Because they could die.
• I've never had a sexual encounter that wasn't rage-fueled.
• She'll do. I'm looking for a job not a career.
• I thought I'd have this huge rush of confidence like when you do an EpiPen for fun.
• She's been sweet her whole life so her personality can have a cheat day.
• Are you really an ordained Mexican?
• Triple Dragon has the best dumps in town.
• Anything we have is stronger than the skin covering my penis.
• Marriage is like a nascar race: it just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and in the end there's only one winner.
• It might be meat-related; you might be over-sausaging.
• I'm getting scissored by my sister and I'm still getting mom a gift?
• Cool, a combover! I feel like I'm 18, again.
• What's the point of 8 nipples if you can't use them?
• You know how I feel about peeing on something with a name.
• Don't make this weird, just read ESPN.
• Everything about me is diner quality.
• I want to learn that from the garbage I surf, not from some book.
• I was so eager to taste the soup I got crabs from a fisherman in Maryland.
• Sure she's past her prime but you can still sink your balls in her.